This post has been floating around in my brain for a while, and I haven’t had time to write it. But let’s talk about this question. Hypothetically speaking, if some major stress was going on in your life, like say, and I’m just spitballing here, a PANDEMIC that caused a major panic in your country on Friday the 13th and for some reason there is now no toilet paper to be found anywhere, do you think it’s possible to still be happy? Even if you don’t have a thousand rolls of toilet paper? Is it possible?

Let me take you back in time 28 years ago, to another Friday the 13th. My boyfriend chose that day to propose to me. I KNOW. Who does that? Somebody who is super optimistic, that’s who! And someone who doesn’t base their happiness on all the circumstances they can’t control. So, let’s fast forward about 3 years and a bit. We arrived at our first assignment in the Air Force, Vance AFB, for Vaughn to start pilot training. We had two kids in diapers, a lot of dreams, and about 25 cents. We had no clue that we were getting on the most ridiculous rollercoaster ride Disney could never dream up.

We knew pilot training would be extremely challenging, especially with two little ones that needed to see their dad occasionally. We didn’t know that about halfway through, I would be diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). Luckily, I responded well to meds and had a great support system and amazing friends, so we thought we had our “trial” behind us and things would go smoothly. Right?

They did…until Vaughn went to play church softball during A-10 training in Tucson. Being the give-it-100% kind of guy he is, no matter what he’s doing, he dove for a catch and somehow hit his head. He got up and kept playing and then after a few minutes didn’t recognize anyone there except for one guy he had known in college. So, Brad kindly drove him home and delivered him to me and this was our conversation for the next hour:

V: Where are we going?

T: To the hospital. I think you have a head injury.

V: What hospital? Where are we?

T: Tucson

V: Why are we in Tucson?

T: You’re learning to fly the A-10

V: I’m a fighter pilot? That is awesome!

T: Yup! (In my head, thinking, maybe not anymore…)

Slight pause. …

V: Where are we going?

He was 10-second Tom from 50 First Dates. I think they modeled him after Vaughn. I had no idea if this was going to go on for the rest of our lives! Luckily, he started to get his memory back about two or three hours later. But he was medically disqualified from flying for about 9 months by the time he got all the doctors appointments and reports and waivers done. And then we moved back to Arizona to start over.

I would love to say that THAT was our big trial, and then everything was cake after that! But that’s not how life works. We didn’t know we were about to face several years of secondary infertility, which is a super fun, emotional and hormonal rollercoaster, followed by two very much wanted but extremely difficult pregnancies. Deployments, TDYs, crazy long work days, moving what felt like a thousand times, and just the everyday ups and downs of life with four kids, two dogs and a hedgehog. But here’s the thing—when I was driving in to Enid, OK (where Vance AFB is located) this past Thursday afternoon to attend a dear friend’s wedding, all I felt was happy! I loved being back there. I have so many amazing memories. We made so many wonderful friends. We had a lot of hard stuff, but getting to the other side of that stuff made us stronger. I look at that picture of the not quite 27-year old me and I wish I could tell her these four things so she didn’t have to take so long to figure them out!

BE GRATEFUL

This should be a no-brainer. Yet it’s the thing I often forget to do. I have been blessed with so much, and yet if I forget to have an attitude of gratitude, I start whining about things like how slow the internet on my phone is right now or why is Target out of the flavor of truffles I like? (Okay, let’s be real. I would make a LOUSY pioneer. That’s why I wasn’t born in 1840. Because after about two days of my complaining, Sister Pyper would have died of “exposure” and would have been buried on the trail. Sorry, I know that was a crazy tangent. Let’s just say I’m working on my hedonism, ok?) Being grateful helps us focus on what we do have and on the source of our blessings instead of making us feel like “have-nots”. It takes us out of the comparison culture and helps us be part of compassion culture. Because I see I have been given so much, now I want to give to others. And that helps me be happy. Even if I have to share a roll of toilet paper.

STOP AND SERVE

When I find myself starting to get into an anxiety spiral because my dad’s dying or my college student is stressed or my husband is super tired and feeling overwhelmed or my little ballerina thinks she pulled a muscle, I have to use these three words—STOP AND SERVE. When you are a recovering perfectionist/control freak, pretty much just being human can get you spinning and you need to get out of your own head. So STOP. Stop the inner voice narrative that predicts pandemics (I know, but seriously, who saw this coming?) and tell her to shut up and go lie down for a minute. Then think about people outside your circle. Do they need anything? Is there someone who is lonely or hurting or sick or grieving? If you don’t know, God always does. Ask Him for a few hints. I can usually think of someone pretty quickly. Then SERVE. It doesn’t have to be big. I’ve done everything from sending a quick text to having lunch with someone to sending a care package or flowers or making dinner and dropping it off. It just matters that you are thinking of someone else. Of course, right now, we are trying to practice social distancing, so texting and FaceTime and calling or even writing an actual note on real paper would be awesome ways to serve. Just maybe Lysol the paper and envelope, of course. And mail it with some gloves stapled to it so they can put them on before they read the letter. Better yet, track down some toilet paper and ship it to someone you love! Still not convinced? Here’s a great quote from a great man:

APPRECIATE ADVERSITY

This cute boy is my nephew Evan. He is handsome, brilliant, and super athletic. He has also battled anxiety for a really long time. One of the ways he does that is by channeling his energy into working out, ninja style. Like American Ninja Warrior style. He got so good at it that when they made a Ninja Warrior Jr show he auditioned. And made it! And then didn’t do so great. And then had an amazing comeback run! And then had a pretty serious elbow injury which required surgery, so no more ninja-ing for a while. Now he’s recovered and just competed in Nationals. After the first day he was third. Then he made a small error on the second day that disqualified him. But you know what? This kid doesn’t quit. The adversity he has dealt with in his life has made him more determined, more dedicated, more disciplined, and more humble than most adults I know. (Including Aunt Tami) I have no doubt that he will succeed at anything he puts his mind to. He is living proof of the effectiveness of resistance training. When you lift weights, the muscle fibers in your body get little micro tears. The body’s response to this is to fuse the muscle fibers together, strengthening them. It can also pull some satellite cells in to help which add more nuclei and act as stem cells which help grow the muscle. This is just a really long way of saying that doing hard things literally makes us stronger. So should we want everything to be easy? If it was, there would be no growth. If we lived in Hawaii all the time, we wouldn’t appreciate it as much as if we lived somewhere that had winters. (I actually was born in Hawaii, so I can attest to this). We need the bitter to appreciate the sweet. And now, I want to go to Hawaii. Plus, fares are ridiculously cheap.

JOY IS ABOUT THE FOCUS OF OUR LIVES

This is the most important thing I would tell my younger self. Focus on the right things. Circumstances are going to change from minute to minute. Things are so uncertain for everyone right now. Everyone feels unsettled and anxious. Okay, I’ll be honest, I did just eat a great room service dinner and I’m going to take a hot bath and put on the thick hotel robe, so I’m not feeling THAT unsettled right this second, but my life has definitely got a lot of circumstances in flux right now. Will we still have an income? Is Delta going to furlough pilots? Will I need to get a job? Is my husband already infected with Covid-19? Are my elderly parents going to be ok? Are the Yankees going to play anytime soon? All of this is unknowable at the moment. All I CAN do is chose to focus on what I DO know. I know that when I watched my beautiful friend Gina walk down the aisle yesterday, her fiancé-now husband looked like he had been given the most amazing gift, ever. I know that love is something that can quiet and soothe our fears for a day, while we celebrate two people who found it. I know that the greatest love there is, God’s love, is constant and it CAN and SHOULD quiet my fears—if I focus on it. I know I can’t control how much toilet paper people buy or how much chaos and panic the 24 hour news cycle continues to stir up, but I can take my fear and worry to the Savior and leave it with Him and carry away peace. When I do all of those things, yes, I can be happy during hard times, because the truth is, life’s default setting is hard times. That’s what I’ve learned along the way. But the happy is a by-product of trying to do what’s right, be grateful, serve, and focus on the Savior. Those things are totally doable. But if those crazy toilet paper hoarders come for the chocolate…

P.S. I’m totally taking the extra roll of toilet paper from my hotel room back to Utah, because those people back home are crazy.