Me, ten years ago.

Me, a few months ago.

Also me, right after I was diagnosed. With a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. And a great husband.

DEPRESSION DOES HAVE A FACE

A lot of people, even those with this disease, like to say that depression doesn’t have a face. While I understand the point they are trying to make, that it doesn’t look the same or present with the same symptoms in everyone, I think that just confuses the rest of society and further stigmatizes mental illness. I think it’s important to show my face, and to tell my story, so that people can understand this disease better.

I don’t look like the depression commercials, you know the ones with the raincloud or the guy who is just lying in bed or the person who never smiles. Major Depressive Disorder does not necessarily mean that you “feel depressed”. It doesn’t mean that you never smile, or laugh or that you can’t function. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of people who might present with those symptoms. But there are just as many who don’t.

DIAGNOSING A DISEASE YOU CAN’T SEE

For me, the hardest part was realizing that I had MDD, because I didn’t feel sad. I felt more irritable than anything. And I could tell my reactions were sometimes completely disproportionate to the situation or circumstance in which I found myself. And I was exhausted. But who wouldn’t be? I had two kids, eighteen months apart and my husband was going through Air Force pilot training. Sometimes I would cry, but usually when I was frustrated and overwhelmed and trying not to fight with my husband because he was my safe space and I couldn’t be angry with my little ones for no reason, but I could with him. I finally realized, with a lot of encouragement from him, that I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t enjoying the things I used to. Working out brought a small reprieve, but it didn’t last long enough to get me through the 12-hour single mom gig that was my life at the moment. And sleeping was difficult.

So I went to the flight doc, who told me that I wasn’t crazy, but he did think I had MDD. He sent me to a psychiatrist who, without even asking me, said ,”You’re probably feeling XYZ and also ABC and here’s why….”. I was astonished that he could know exactly how I felt and SO relieved to know that I wasn’t actually turning into a witch, or a serial killer, or someone who ends up on Jerry Springer! I was just sick through no fault of my own and there was something I could do to fix it!

This is the hardest part about mental illness. It’s invisible. And if you are super high functioning, like I was, you don’t even see the “normal” symptoms. I got up early with the kids took care of them, played with them, traded babysitting with other friends, cooked dinner every night, went to the gym, tried to serve others, and yet I was hanging on by a thread at the end of the day. Because somewhere around 9 am, my brain had already used up all the serotonin that was available. The rest of the day I had to gut out and try to combat the lies that depression was telling me. That I was a bad mother/wife/daughter/friend, that I couldn’t do anything perfectly so it didn’t count, that if I only prayed a little harder then maybe God would help me, but I wasn’t worthy of that help just yet. If I had been hit by a semi, everyone would know what needed to be done to save me. Because my “hit-and-runs” were occurring in my mind, even I wasn’t sure I was in need of help.

Luckily, I responded very well to medication. I’ve also done therapy, and for me getting enough rest is a huge piece of the puzzle. I am grateful that I was able to let go of the monster and find myself.

SMILING AND MENTAL ILLNESS ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE

I know, you’re thinking of every creepy smiling psychopath right now, aren’t you? Jack Nicholson in The Shining? Ted Bundy? They are extreme examples, so let’s take it down a notch. Robin Williams. The Rock. And one of my faves, Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher From Star Trek:The Next Generation). He is super open about his battle with depression and anxiety, and also a gifted actor who is hilarious.(Check him out when he guest stars on Leverage)

Even if you’re not a celebrity, you can smile and battle mental illness. Here’s why: you are NOT YOUR DIAGNOSIS. I have MDD, but I don’t feel depressed. I’m healthy most of the time, and when it becomes an issue, I have the tools I need to not just plug the dike, but to help get myself into remission again. But for the most part, I’m a pretty happy person. And it’s important for me to share that there is hope beyond your initial diagnosis, that there is joy and love in your life, and that you can feel that again by treating your disease.

And if you don’t smile while you’re battling this disease, that’s okay, too. Be gentle with yourself. And with everyone else. We are all fighting battles that are mostly invisible to others. And there are enough of us who can share our smiles until you find yours again.

Still me! 2019 with grand no. 2, Lydia.